Making Myself Available


A note from me: I found this post and realized I had written it and never posted it. The timing of finding it now, as I begin a year of major transition including moving to Montana and out of California, makes me chuckle. Sometimes Spirit moves in hilarious ways. Why? Because this is a year of portals….

What does it mean to be available? I’ve been musing on this question lately. It is one of those questions that creates portals. I can tell because when I walk right up to the question and ask it deeply in my heart, an opening is created.

Portals are mysterious, beckoning, inviting, scary, and wonder-full. You never know where you will be taken if you walk through one. I’ve walked through enough to know adventure is always part of walking through a portal so trust is one of the first things you pack. My packing list includes:

  • Grounding with lots of deep breaths and the scent of roses.

  • A large, soft, sturdy blanket of trust.

  • My sense of adventure and willingness to take risks.

  • Mental reminders to stay present and aware.

  • A sketchbook and brush.

  • Chocolate and glitter.

To answer this question of ‘What does it mean to be available?’, I pack up my traveling bag and I step up to the doorway. The arched doorway is covered with vines of rose blossoms and has words written all around it. I close my eyes and ask and listen.

The question of being available brings in more questions. My doing self wants to know WHAT am I being available for? To teach, paint, create, love, listen? The answer I get back is not what I expect. WAIT. BE PATIENT. TRUST.

Being available means making space for ‘what I am being available for’ to manifest. Ah! There, I think, is the clue I need. This is about manifesting - about learning to allow things to manifest fully before acting upon them. I ask - is this being available? The answer I receive is ‘yes and there is more’ and the image is of a rose blossom unfolding petal by petal.

Part of this is about choice. I can choose to wait and be patient, or I can throw my hands up in frustration and walk away. I’ve learned frustration never gets me where I need to go. When I follow that path it just makes more work in the long run. So with a deep breath of Trust, I consciously choose to be available.

This opens the portal wider. I can sense more of the energy. This portal is not like others I have walked through. Usually I simply step right up and dance right on over the threshold. However, my sense is this doorway requires a different sort of, well, resonance is the best word I can come up with.  Like I need to be aligned or calibrated somehow.

It reminds me of learning to see with an artist's eye, only this feels deeper. I am learning to live from my artist heart. To live more deeply, in closer connection. Maybe that's where this is heading?

Photo by Annette Wagner.

ArticlesAnnette Wagner