Recalibrating with the Divine Masculine
Life’s been going through one of those let’s-be-insane phases. I changed jobs. New people entered my life. My daughter’s end of school routine kicked off.
My body decided to melt down in different directions. I kept drawing 5 cards in my Tarot readings which are all about struggle.
If you’ve read my posts over the years, you probably noticed the intense dive into all things women-based over the last few years. In this culture, as a dear friend likes to tell me, all women end up with PTSD. It’s an occupational hazard of living in a patriarchal, materialistic culture. My dive was necessary, healing, and an incredibly educational journey into reclaiming my feminine self. I am very happy to say I am not the person I was six years ago.
This dive took me away from men and the masculine; this too was necessary. I had to step away from old patterns of interacting with unhealthy men and of working in environments where female ways of thinking are denigrated to get back to a place where I could re-engage with masculinity with clarity, grounded-ness and a clear connection to my own power.
When one steps away from old habits to heal and shift them, there is a curious thing that happens. We may intellectually know we are done with the old pattern, but the transformation is not complete until we live it. Along about three months ago, all this male energy entered my life. When I began to relate to men again, all the old reactions, habits, ways of speaking, thought patterns came sneaking out of recesses and caves and crevices they had been hiding in. In an odd way, it was like they were asking to be used or tossed.
This was the context for the last several months. Loads of personal challenges, lots of patterns to unravel and reweave - all while learning anew how to communicate with the male of our species.
This all manifested on my spiritual path as well. Like my mother, I have these beings, or spirit guides, who show up and walk with me. My Muse is always in the front standing in the doorway chortling and beckoning and being her usual annoyingly hilarious self. Harmony and her white snake are on my left. Then last fall, Horseman appeared and stands behind me and sometimes under me when I need to be taken somewhere.
The right side was mysteriously, or perhaps suspiciously, empty for the longest of times. Then, in May, he showed up. A very obviously MALE spirit guide with no sense of decorum whatsoever. Or clothes. Someone who made me feel uncomfortable and embarrassed and triggered just about every button he could trigger on the sexual front. He was so outrageously over the top that I finally had to give over being uncomfortable and just laugh out loud.
All this is going on while my body was melting down. Scar tissue constrictions and pain was just the tip of the iceberg. Nerve pain, stress, infections, mysterious swellings. I finally had to take a weekend and send everyone out of my life and just rest.
What the hell was going on?
The thread of what was happening goes back to my dive into the Divine Feminine. I had healed my connection with the Divine Feminine and now it is time to heal my connection to the Divine Masculine. I keep getting the message my body is trying to recalibrate between the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine. It literally comes down to the left and right sides of my body not talking the same language. Not having the same timing. Not integrated. I was resisting the re-calibration. Why?
I went in on a deeper painting journey with the intention of understanding what the resistance was about. I ended up in a conversation with my Critic. It turns out my dear old Critic had been running a story about how it needs to protect me from men, because they are dangerous and hurtful. Worse, the Critic had been storing fear in the scar tissue in my abdomen. Using fear like armor to stop me from moving into connection with men. It was a flash of pure understanding, of seeing the connection between the fear, the scar tissue, the constrictions and pain, and the lack of freedom. This insight gave me the key the unlock the resistance.
This morning, as I did my morning Tibetan Dakini prayer practice, a major shift took place. I literally felt the male spirit guide reaching out to the female spirit guide on the other side of me. Holding hands and dancing around me, through me, with me. I felt her surrendering to him and him holding her like she was the most precious thing in the world. Like I am in the middle of this slow, beautiful dance swirling gently around me and holding me.
Her hand rests in his, gently, safely and with trust.