Heart, Mind, and.... Body.
I am on a healing journey this week. My body is being turned into jello, a puddle of soft, pillowy jello. It’s a really odd sensation to feel this happening. After all these months of painting and feeling like I am in a chrysalis, now I truly am becoming liquid mush. Its odd... To feel pain releasing from areas that have held on to it like a worried 2 year old holds on to you when a stranger approaches.
To feel tightness flowing away and disappearing like a wasp morphing into a butterfly that just floats off on to the next flower.
To feel the utter exhaustion of accumulated emotional gunk uprooted and sent out into the light of day to dissipate and turn into the honey gold of love and comfort.
To feel so spacey it is a wonder I can find my way back home, yet knowing at the same time I am taken care of and supported in ways I do not need to understand.
As I undergo this metamorphosis, I am reminded of patterns and how they weave their sometimes obtuse way through my life. I am an orthogonal thinker who can see the patterns across disparate things that others many times cannot. I think this is why I follow the path of shamanism. To me, thinking orthogonally and walking my path are two sides of the same coin. But that is another story, and today I want to tell the story of heart, mind, and body.
What I am learning on this healing journey is how the patterns of heart, mind, and body are related, yet, in critical ways, do not move in parallel. For example, my heart can leap ahead and vision and see forward and ‘know’ things far before mind can. Mind has a tendency to want to slow heart down when heart sees forward - mind gets practical or pulls out the critic. Yet, the two can work together harmoniously.
My heart leads me, because I have learned how letting my heart lead keeps mind in balance and me in creative balance. I know how my mind can change it’s patterns of behaving when prompted, how it sees patterns, how practical it is, and how it always wants to be ‘doing’.
The patterns between body and the other two are the ones I am still sussing out. There are several threads I am unwinding and as I do so, I understand more of how body works through patterns. I have learned, the hard way, that I manifest stuff in my body - usually ‘stuff’ I need to deal with and not always when I want to deal with it.
My body has been cut open six times in the last almost twenty years. All in the pelvic region which is where we energetically process our emotions, grow babies, have menstrual cycles, have sex, support our spine, twist, turn, sit, and expel waste. The pelvic girdle - amusing word ‘girdle’ - is the foundation of our body. And, mine has not been a very stable foundation for several years.
In 2007, I experienced an episode of severe discomfort in my lower abdomen the doctors couldn’t figure out. At the same time, I began creating in clay. Creatures sprung to life around me as if driven to manifest. Looking back, I know was when I finally acknowledged the need to radically change the parts of my life that were killing off my creativity.
When I began making changes, I thought my heart made the leap to my new life first with mind following along a bit more slowly and grumpily, yet still cooperating. What I am discovering is that body is on its own timeline which exists outside of both heart and mind, and yet, contains both heart and mind.
Episodes over the last several years have continued to anticipate change. Interestingly, the latter episodes have a different energy than the earlier ones. A sense of now that change has occurred, I need to clean up, like when you clean up a house and grounds when construction is complete. Everything is ready but it needs clearing.
And so, here I am being turned into jello. Part of the work is about unsticking my internal organs, muscles and nerves. The surgeries left loads of scar tissue which loves to stick things together whether or not they need it. This undue stickiness has resulted in nerves not able to glide through their sheaths, muscles holding far too much tension, and organs unable to flow and move inside of my abdomen.
What is also down there is grief. Grief from all the old wounds. From feeling unloved, repressed, angry, hurt, resentful, injured, slapped, forced, rejected, not good enough, bad, and ugly. Grief is heavy, slow moving gunk and when your intestines are hung up with adhesions and scarring, they can barely move food along much less gunk.
I am beginning to understand what body is doing - what the pattern begun in 2007 is about. Change had to start with heart to unleash my passion and fire and get my blood flowing - with paint and glitter one might say. Fire is needed to sustain me so the slower-moving pattern body is in can reach the point of true healing. It’s the only way to get the gunk out.
Mind needed to move into second place and learn to support heart, which takes lots of practice and awareness! I suspect healing body will help to sustain the balance between heart and mind in a more stable pattern.
From the jello state, I can feel a new state of being emerging. My body is healing, releasing, and already stronger. The gunk is leaving and as it does there is an openness coming into being like a garden being cleared and taken back to bare earth. The question I now ponder is what am I becoming?
The possibilities are tantalizing and mysterious.